melancholic

Funny how my post today will be a continuation of what I last posted here 2 years ago.

Yeah, I'm still not over the hang-ups of my failed relationship. Sigh.

Maybe it's hormones that's causing this. Or maybe the fact that his brother's upcoming wedding is triggering something inside me. Maybe. I wouldn't know.

But one thing I know, is that I want to talk to him.

We never really had a face to face discussion about what happened between us, therefore there are some unspoken hurts and feelings. Another sigh.

I want this to end.

So I can open up to new love.

Till then...

4 nights ago, I asked my ex if I am difficult to love…this question has been at the back of my mind for years now…I know I don’t need validation…but that night I just need to hear it.

These passed months have been pretty difficult…I’ve never felt so lonely. Too many questions have been swimming in my mind…will I ever find true love? If yes, until when will I wait?

My friend Ann told me last night that I should ask more for myself…never settle for less…that I will not do…I’ve been there once and will not go there again…

Come, God’s will…

Of Doing Things Differently Part II

This blog disputes the one I posted last year. I now know that God sails my boat to the right and smooth course. My first stop is my trip to Europe. Yes, Europe. If I have been raving about envy of my hs friend's trip to Europe, I got my chance last November.

And above are some pics I have taken in Munich and Austria. Will post more for Amsterdam as well.

Knowing

The "what ifs" were tailing me for too long and now I have the answer. There would never be acceptance on my side of the past and of what he become. I can't look at him straight in the eye because what he will only see is repulsion. I'm sorry for letting him in this situation where he is the unwanted guest. But all he asked was a time with his son and that's what I have given him. He need not worry about me coz I now have my peace. I have broken free. And I'm set to fly.

Dawning

We exchanged sms.
Asked how each is faring with life.
Pleasantries were exchanged.
Bringing us to the old days.
Old memories.
Old feelings.
Sigh.

Then I asked about his daughter.
Found out the sad plight of the child.
He's planning to get the child from the mother.
Cause she's got a new family now.

It hurt.
Cause this time there was no denial that it's his.
That his daughter will get to know him the way his son won't.
Maybe that's how life is.
Daughter gets a dad. Son has his mom.

I was angry.
To the mother of the girl.
After all what happened, she just casually passed her responsibility to her own mother.
But who am I to judge.
For sure she has her own reasons.

I felt guilty.
That our children has to suffer for the selfish choices we made.

Oooh, life.

But then who said it was easy?

Of doing things differently

I know I've been quiet for sometime with my bloglife. It's just that there's not much good stuff to share. I don't wanna clog up this site with my musings and grievances. I know there so many things I should be thankful for but why am I feeling gripey lately?

I know why, it just took me this long to admit it. It's because I haven't accepted yet my "life". A picture of my highschool friends touring Europe brought feelings I never knew I have. There was envy, dissatisfaction, and regret??? How come these pics triggered these feelings? because I dreamt this with them in highschool, more so in College but my life took a different course because of the choices I made. I know I'm being ungrateful in saying these things but this time I want to be honest with myself. If given the chance of turning back time, I would have done things differently.

But who said I coudn't do what they just did? They may have realized their dreams a little earlier than mine but, hey, I still have many years and chances of seeing the world! And how fun it would be to share this experience with my son.

p.s. Blogging makes me pull myself out of the pits I have in life. I guess its seeing everything written down that makes me see the difference.

sunset 

terrain 

rocks in africa